when i die
cremate my body
and bring my ashes to a rave in berlin.
shoot me out of the sprinklers
as the beat drops
and whistles blow.
sweaty harnessed men
feel my dust on their tongues,
raise their arms in ecstasy.
when i die
forgo my urn for a disco ball
and immortalize my dust in a revolving mirror.
center me on the ceiling
of a dark, pulsing club
as the dance floor shatters
and bodies multiply,
refracted by the light of my spirit.
at the disco of my death
play sylvester and donna summer
and carry me out in a pearl casket
encrusted with lapis lazuli
and draped in crushed blue velvet.
when i die
release me from these female bones
and let
me
be
a
queen.
sequined and seductive*
fabulous and funereal
I dance through the gates of heaven
for empyrean i came,
and empyrean i did return.
when i die
there will be no
dirt
to shovel on my body, no
dirt
to kneel before, no
dirt
to dish, no
dirt
to bless, no.
the funeral will be neither Jewish nor Italian
but rather histrionic,
and filled with screaming queens.
when i die
I want you to:
put your hands on my body*
lick my butt*
move me to poetry*
let the beans burn all night*
cast me in a john waters film
where the antagonist snorts the corpse
like they did with Acker’s ashes.
when i die
excavate my chest cavity,
and crack me open like a book.
dig below the flesh, let
the tree rings of my chest reveal—
justin chin beneath a rib,
cookie mueller by my breast,
saint beneath the heart,
foucault on my sternum,
essex hemphill on my brain,
and wojnarowicz where he’s been stationed for years,
pumping through my blood.
(the accumulation of 24 years of growth,
nestled within the cracks and crevices of me).
when i die
i will be amongst the artists who have authored me
yet never had a chance to meet.
perhaps they will still be wearing their eighties best
and i will introduce them to pronouns, beyonce, and prep,
as we compare our fabulous funerals,
and lament the rise of the conservative gay.
though most of the knowledge i will bring
has come from them,
and i will thank them
for this body that has made it safely to the grave.
--
Various lines in this poem come from other writers. The appropriations are cited below:
sequined and seductive* Essex Hemphill
put your hands on my body* David Wojnarowicz
lick my butt* Justin Chin
move me to poetry* Assoto Saint
let the beans burn all night* Essex Hemphill
This version of “when I die” was published in the Spring 2019 Queer Ancestors’ Project Anthology. Many thanks to Celeste Chan for her guidance throughout the writing process.